On My Mind

-thoughts of a wife, mom, author, illustrator, juggler, toy designer, teacher, camp director, ...



Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Lion in the Storm

This blog is called On My Mind. Today's post is not the usual story starter or writing tip. This was written while trying to grasp what happened that day. It has meaning beyond meaning to me.


The rain began slowly at first, falling gently in the morning.  I carried you both on our journey home. I held you close, as close as possible, and kept you dry.  I let you know how much I loved you and promised that I would keep you safe.  As the day progressed, the rain got heavier and everything changed.  The wind blew stronger and stronger until it became difficult to carry you but I would not let you down.  She thought she was ready to go or maybe it was something else compelling her to go but it wasn’t my idea.  I could see our blurry house in the distance but the storm was too heavy to get there.  I ran into the nearest building.  We huddled to stay warm.  The wind whistled as the storm shook the walls and the door opened, just a little at first, but continued to swing wider as the rain and wind steadily increased.  Holding on to you as tightly as I could, I tried to force the door closed but the wind picked up. It forced the door open and slammed me against the wall.  The air swelled into a hurricane and its pull ripped us apart.  I lost control of keeping you safe.  I was forced to let go.  The winds carried her, my baby girl, through the doorway.  I grabbed for her but she was swept too quickly out of reach.  We had to let her go but you weren’t ready.  You wrapped yourself around me.  I begged Mother Nature to let you stay.  You held on but the grip of the wind was too tight.  It wrapped us like a tornado, twisting, turning, and separating us. It refused to let you go.  The torrential downpour whipped across my face as it tore you from me.  I wasn’t ready.  You were too small to survive alone, but you found her, your sister, and stayed together.  You both struggled to live without me.  When the weather calmed, I found you battered and bruised.  I sat beside you both and held your hands.  I looked into your eyes and spoke softly. Your sister left us first but you continued to hang on.  Then you left us.  It was too soon.  You left me too soon.  Our dreams were shattered.  That day is here again and I can’t shake the memory of the storm, of losing you both, my babies. I remember the few moments that we had when I was able to look into your eyes and hold your tiny hands.  A lion in the storm.  Soo strong.   In my arms for just a moment but in my heart forever.

If you have ever lost a lion in the storm. I am very sorry for your loss.

29 comments:

  1. This is so heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you. So beautifully written; an honor to your girls.

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    1. Thank you, Vicky. One boy, one girl. I didn't get enough time with them. I feel cheated.

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  2. Beautiful and heartbreaking. Hugs to you Alison, and thank you for sharing this expressive tribute.

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  3. Thanks for sharing that Alison. I don't think I could ever forget your words; very beautiful and tragic.

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  4. Oh Alison -- my heart cries with you.

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  5. I understand. Beautiful words for an agonizing, life changing experience. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. Tears, here, Alison... Oh my goodness. Thank you for sharing, but my heart will forever be with you. Gripping, deep hugs from CA.

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  7. Thank you for sharing this with us, Alison. May God give you strength and love to continue to carry your precious loves in your heart for always. My thoughts are with you. Gone but never forgotten.

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  8. I see these storms in the neonatal unit I work in. It is always so sad and it changes life forever. I am sorry for our loss. Although the years will pass, the heartache is still there. Blessings.

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  9. Alison, what beautiful words. The storm may have taken the lion, but the love of the lion will always be in your heart.

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  10. Oh, Alison. I had no idea. So so sorry for such a loss.

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  11. We never know the next person's story. You freely give such support and advice to the pb community and we never knew your story. I feel honored and privileged that you chose to share this part of you with us. I am forever changed. May God continue to give you strength. What abundant love. Thank you.

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  12. Autumn (Walter De La Mare)

    There is wind where the rose was;
    Cold rain where sweet grass was;
    And clouds like sheep
    Stream o'er the steep
    Grey skies where the lark was.

    Nought gold where your hair was;
    Nought warm where your hand was;
    But phantom, forlorn,
    Beneath the thorn,
    Your ghost where your face was.

    Sad winds where your voice was;
    Tears, tears where my heart was;
    And every with me,
    Child, ever with me,
    Silence where hope was.

    Alison, I am so so sorry for your loss. Unimaginable.
    Clare.

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    1. Thank you for sharing that poem, Juliet.

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  13. Thank you for sharing, Alison. Hugs to you.

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  14. That is a moving tribute to your children.
    I don't know what to say--no words are adequate. Sorry for your loss, Alison.

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  15. Hi Alison, so sorry for your loss. That was a very moving poetic piece. Thank you for sharing. They and everyone who reads this will know the love you will always carry for them.

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  16. Alison, I am so sorry for your loss. this brought tears to my eyes. (((hug)))

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  17. Alison, sending light and love. Feel the hugs.

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  18. A mother's love is never diminished by death. Your children knew your love beyond measure. The comfort you received will someday be returned to others in their sorrow because you have been there. May your memories, tho' brief, embrace your heart and God's hand softly heal.

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  19. Alison, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

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  20. Alison, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Sending my love your way.

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  21. Incredibly moving. My heart goes out to you and my thanks for sharing such a deep, personal experience. Hug!

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  22. Such a beautiful tribute! You will always be the mama lion. I admire your courage in sharing this painful story. Big hugs hoping to soothe you on these sad days of remembrance....

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  23. Devastating. You are my heroine today.

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  24. I wish I could do more than say I grieve for you in your loss. I'm so sorry, Alison. My words seem totally inadequate, but your words--they're powerful and beautiful. A wonderful way to honor your precious babies.

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  25. Alison, you have had to endure what every parent fears. My heart goes out to you. I had to watch my daughter go through this with her infant son, who died of a heart defect. I can't even imagine your pain. May you be blessed.

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