I remember you...

 

Those who know me well know that every year on March 18th, I write a short dedication post. I think of them on other days when there are triggers that remind me of their strength and of our loss but this day is theirs. I feel cheated like a carrot dangled in front of a horse not that they were carrots or that I was a horse but that is one of the feelings that surrounds me on March 18th (and really, for most of March). I feel suffocated, sad, scared, empty, and lonely. I know that I could take the optimistic perspective and be happy that we had a few days together and I am glad that we did but on this day, the pessimist takes over until it is difficult to breathe. I have a lot of work to do this week and I will do my best to push through but the memory of them is on my mind, in my heart, and weighs on my chest.


I Remember You...
It’s March 18^th again and I'm hit with a storm full of emotions. I’m sad. I feel cheated. I wish I could turn back time but don’t want to go through that again. I didn’t have a lot of time to get to know you and yet I did know you. I talked to you. I held you. I listened to you. I even saw you before this day, but on March 18th, you looked at me for the first time. You squeezed my finger. People have asked and I have no answers. I don’t know what happened. I don’t think that I did anything wrong but I can’t help but feel that I must have because I lost you. You would be ten today. I remember you and I will light a candle for you today.


Those who have no idea what I'm talking about or who this post is dedicated to may not have known me in 2004 or heard about this since then. You can read last year's dedication post by clicking HERE.

Mourner’s Kaddish

Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba b’alma di v’ra khir’utei, v’yamlikh malkhutei b’hayeikhon u-v’yomeikhon u-v’hayei d’khol beit yisrael, ba-agala u-vi-z’mon kariv v’imru amen.

Y’hei sh’mei raba m’varakh l’alam u-l’almei almaya.

Yitbarakh v’yishtabah v’yitpa’ar v’yitromam v’yitnase, v’yit-hadar v’yit-aleh v’yit-halal sh’mei d’kudsha, b’rikh hu l’ela (l’ela mi-kol) min kol birkhata v’shirata, tushb’hata v’nehemata da-amiran b’alma, v’imru amen.

Y’hei sh’lama raba min sh’maya v’hayim aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.

Oseh shalom bi-m’romav, hu ya-aseh shalom aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.

To read 2012's dedication - A Lion in the Storm, click on the image below.

 

 

 

I Remember...

Those who know me well, know that on this day, every year, I write a letter or a story, or a poem in dedication…

 

Nine years ago today I held you as close as anyone can but it wasn’t close enough. I didn’t get enough time. It feels selfish to say, to think, but I still feel cheated. People say it gets easier but it really doesn’t. Those that say it haven’t lost. Life just fills with other things, other distractions, some wonderful, some not, but this day is yours and I will light a candle for you. I’m not wallowing in sadness, I remember your eyes when you looked at me. I remember how it felt when you squeezed my finger. I remember your strength. I remember you both.

 

Mourner’s Kaddish

Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba b’alma di v’ra khir’utei, v’yamlikh malkhutei b’hayeikhon u-v’yomeikhon u-v’hayei d’khol beit yisrael, ba-agala u-vi-z’mon kariv v’imru amen.

Y’hei sh’mei raba m’varakh l’alam u-l’almei almaya.

Yitbarakh v’yishtabah v’yitpa’ar v’yitromam v’yitnase, v’yit-hadar v’yit-aleh v’yit-halal sh’mei d’kudsha, b’rikh hu l’ela (l’ela mi-kol) min kol birkhata v’shirata, tushb’hata v’nehemata da-amiran b’alma, v’imru amen.

Y’hei sh’lama raba min sh’maya v’hayim aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.

Oseh shalom bi-m’romav, hu ya-aseh shalom aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.

To read last year's dedication - A Lion in the Storm, click on the image below.

A Lion in the Storm

This blog is called On My Mind. Today's post is not the usual story starter or writing tip. This was written while trying to grasp what happened that day. It has meaning beyond meaning to me.

The rain began slowly at first, falling gently in the morning.  I carried you both on our journey home. I held you close, as close as possible, and kept you dry.  I let you know how much I loved you and promised that I would keep you safe.  As the day progressed, the rain got heavier and everything changed.  The wind blew stronger and stronger until it became difficult to carry you but I would not let you down.  She thought she was ready to go or maybe it was something else compelling her to go but it wasn’t my idea.  I could see our blurry house in the distance but the storm was too heavy to get there.  I ran into the nearest building.  We huddled to stay warm.  The wind whistled as the storm shook the walls and the door opened, just a little at first, but continued to swing wider as the rain and wind steadily increased.  Holding on to you as tightly as I could, I tried to force the door closed but the wind picked up. It forced the door open and slammed me against the wall.  The air swelled into a hurricane and its pull ripped us apart.  I lost control of keeping you safe.  I was forced to let go.  The winds carried her, my baby girl, through the doorway.  I grabbed for her but she was swept too quickly out of reach.  We had to let her go but you weren’t ready.  You wrapped yourself around me.  I begged Mother Nature to let you stay.  You held on but the grip of the wind was too tight.  It wrapped us like a tornado, twisting, turning, and separating us. It refused to let you go.  The torrential downpour whipped across my face as it tore you from me.  I wasn’t ready.  You were too small to survive alone, but you found her, your sister, and stayed together.  You both struggled to live without me.  When the weather calmed, I found you battered and bruised.  I sat beside you both and held your hands.  I looked into your eyes and spoke softly. Your sister left us first but you continued to hang on.  Then you left us.  It was too soon.  You left me too soon.  Our dreams were shattered.  That day is here again and I can’t shake the memory of the storm, of losing you both, my babies. I remember the few moments that we had when I was able to look into your eyes and hold your tiny hands.  A lion in the storm.  Soo strong.   In my arms for just a moment but in my heart forever.

If you have ever lost a lion in the storm. I am very sorry for your loss.